Grandpa
06-12-2002, 02:42 PM
This sounds a lot like something Euro would write. I was searching for some information on Lactos intolerance for one of my foster parents when I ran across this article. Here it is for your amusement:
Curse my rotten luck! That wormhole took me years to design! And what were the odds? What were the odds?!? The chances were 7,584,104,572,784,480 to 1!!! Aaargh!!!!
But perhaps I should explain myself. What year is it? How far was I ejected into the future? Only four months? Hmm... That's strange - I was sure decades had past. For any of you who don't remember me, I am Lactos, the Intolerant!! *laughs evilly* I am the universe's greatest super villain, dedicated to the advancement of beef and committed to the absolute destruction of all dairy products whatsoever! I had fleets of beef ships! Fleets of beef cattle and fleets of massively powerful Tauros! But they are now GONE! Gone I say! And why? Because of that accursed, milk-obsessed goody-two-shoes, Cheddar! (blech) He has ruined everything. Everything! *breathes deeply* But I will have my revenge. Allow me to give those of you who don't remember me a brief history.
When I was a boy, I was in the middle of painting the most beautiful work of sand art that I had ever seen. It had colors, style, beef. And just when I was putting the finishing touches on my spectacular project -- that had literally taken me months to design -- my father's prize milk cow kicked over a bucket of that despicable white liquid and ruined the picture of my most adored super hero, Beef Cow Man. Since that day, I have despised all things dairy or otherwise related to cheese. I vowed at that moment (as soon as I throttled the cow) that I would purge the universe of the existence of those evil foods. So I currently endeavor.
I left home. No, at that time I was not yet evil enough to dare face my father. There was still something good in me. Still something, something... Is it still in me? That is what I fear; but enough of this retrospective mish mash; allow me to continue. I grew up, adopted by a herd of wild Tauros. One day, when I became fully grown, all of those Tauros, the only things that I cared about, were kidnapped! Kidnapped and taken to a coral for bull fights! I followed warily, hiding in the shadows of the night. As the bulls were put in their new pens, I noticed the caretaker of the mercilessly stolen animals. He was holding an enormous pile of seeker balls and - and I shudder to say it - a milk carton! Breaking out from the shadows I flew into a rage and knocked the caretaker unconscious. Stealing his pokeballs, I spoke to the Tauros.
"Quickly!" I said. "You must get inside these pokeballs so I can get you out of this accursed place!"
They knew that I would not lie to them, so they entered the balls. I snuck out in the shadows. No one herd my footsteps. Even at that young age, my powers had - but I have not yet told you of my powers.
I do not fully comprehend the extent of my own abilities. I know that, whatever my powers are, there are some unfortunate side effects that come with them - such as causing adrenaline rushes to sometimes render me temporarily insane. I can self levitate, but not indefinitely. I grow weary if I try to float for too long. i can summon hamburger-shaped balls of energy at will, but they greatly sap my strength. Once summoned, I can order these hamburgers to fly at I target telepathically. I do not know there composition, but my guess is that they are pure beef energy. Did you know that there is as much power in one hamburger as in the explosion of a hydrogen bomb? This must certainly be what happens. My Tauros give me strength to summon the hamburger, strands of their own muscle. These are the only powers that I can currently call to mind, for my memory is sometimes faulty, but I know that there are a vast many more that I possess. Oh yes, I am nearly immortal.
It was only in the 27th century AD when I left home that first time so long ago. It is now the 93,628 millennia, or so I suppose, but my track of time has been thrown off by the wormhole I was sucked through. Throughout the nearly one hundred million years after I freed the Tauros, I have been silently constructing a gargantuan army near the core of the galaxy. It hasn't been easy. After the founding of the ISPA (Intergalactic Special Forces Agency) I have had to hide my operations with the utmost secrecy. I have cloaked entire star systems, and deleted the information about the existence of those planets from every computer in the whole supercluster. Still, I would have been protected if it were not for the feebleness of the ISPA's technology.
They have no method of spacetime transcendence travel. Even after millions of years, they have not yet attained the ability to form wormholes. Such is the feebleness of their minds. It takes housands of years travelling at the speed of light to reach the core of my domain, and therefore practical eons for a fleet of galactic cruisers to reach my most important planets. I have taken genious measures to make sure that the whole core of the Milky Way galaxy (and I intend to change that name as soon as I take it over) has been proclaimed unfit to travel. I've littered light years of empty space with diamond-hard meteorites and set them hurtling at terrific speeds. None of the ISPA's detectives can understand where these asteroids come from. They assume that the came from another dimension, and they did come through a wormhole, so they are not totally wrong. But theyt have never dared to imagine that the fabled Lactos the Intolerant, for I am famous as an evvil power-hungry villain who has not been seen in eons, is still alive and in control of a deadly operation.
So I pulled woolover their eyes. My operations continued largely unimpeded. I have had to cause several planets to self-destruct to escape discovery, but on the whole, I have done splendidly. And how? How have I escaped the power of the universe's most powerful justice agency? Simply, for I have mastered the formation of the wormhole.
I gathered my forces for what seemed an eternity, and finally struck. And what a splendid victory it was! I could not send my whole fleet of battle cruisers to accomplish the mission - the wormhole necessary to do so would have been so massive that the ISPA would certainly notice it immediately and guess my schemes. That I cannot risk. They must not know that I have the power of the wormhole, or they will find out how to form them for theirselves and I will be ruined. Anyway, I took the star system with almost no resistance encountered. Whatever I did meet, I simply destroyed with my beef ships. The moral of my army was such as it hadn't been for millennia, and so I must confess, I became hasty. I did not take all the necessary steps to insure my next victory. This was the most drastic mistake of my career.
All chances seemed to have gone against me. I tried to strike Cheddar's (blech) home world. Half of my beef fleet was used to attempt to conquer the planet. Half of my beef ships were destroyed. I do not understand how this happened! It seems... it seems... impossible!!! But I was defeated! GRRR!!! Cheddar!!! I curse that name! I curse his Probability Modifier, and I curse the fact that I do not understand its workings!
But I will leave you with that for now. Next time, I will tell of my humiliating defeat by that – I’m not going to get started with the necessary derogative adjectives – Cheddar (blech), who Cheddar is (other than a fool and a – ups, almost started), and the tale of the beginnings of the subsequent Cheeze Wars.
Can't wait for the sequel!! "Cheddar: The Cheeze Wars"
Gramps
Curse my rotten luck! That wormhole took me years to design! And what were the odds? What were the odds?!? The chances were 7,584,104,572,784,480 to 1!!! Aaargh!!!!
But perhaps I should explain myself. What year is it? How far was I ejected into the future? Only four months? Hmm... That's strange - I was sure decades had past. For any of you who don't remember me, I am Lactos, the Intolerant!! *laughs evilly* I am the universe's greatest super villain, dedicated to the advancement of beef and committed to the absolute destruction of all dairy products whatsoever! I had fleets of beef ships! Fleets of beef cattle and fleets of massively powerful Tauros! But they are now GONE! Gone I say! And why? Because of that accursed, milk-obsessed goody-two-shoes, Cheddar! (blech) He has ruined everything. Everything! *breathes deeply* But I will have my revenge. Allow me to give those of you who don't remember me a brief history.
When I was a boy, I was in the middle of painting the most beautiful work of sand art that I had ever seen. It had colors, style, beef. And just when I was putting the finishing touches on my spectacular project -- that had literally taken me months to design -- my father's prize milk cow kicked over a bucket of that despicable white liquid and ruined the picture of my most adored super hero, Beef Cow Man. Since that day, I have despised all things dairy or otherwise related to cheese. I vowed at that moment (as soon as I throttled the cow) that I would purge the universe of the existence of those evil foods. So I currently endeavor.
I left home. No, at that time I was not yet evil enough to dare face my father. There was still something good in me. Still something, something... Is it still in me? That is what I fear; but enough of this retrospective mish mash; allow me to continue. I grew up, adopted by a herd of wild Tauros. One day, when I became fully grown, all of those Tauros, the only things that I cared about, were kidnapped! Kidnapped and taken to a coral for bull fights! I followed warily, hiding in the shadows of the night. As the bulls were put in their new pens, I noticed the caretaker of the mercilessly stolen animals. He was holding an enormous pile of seeker balls and - and I shudder to say it - a milk carton! Breaking out from the shadows I flew into a rage and knocked the caretaker unconscious. Stealing his pokeballs, I spoke to the Tauros.
"Quickly!" I said. "You must get inside these pokeballs so I can get you out of this accursed place!"
They knew that I would not lie to them, so they entered the balls. I snuck out in the shadows. No one herd my footsteps. Even at that young age, my powers had - but I have not yet told you of my powers.
I do not fully comprehend the extent of my own abilities. I know that, whatever my powers are, there are some unfortunate side effects that come with them - such as causing adrenaline rushes to sometimes render me temporarily insane. I can self levitate, but not indefinitely. I grow weary if I try to float for too long. i can summon hamburger-shaped balls of energy at will, but they greatly sap my strength. Once summoned, I can order these hamburgers to fly at I target telepathically. I do not know there composition, but my guess is that they are pure beef energy. Did you know that there is as much power in one hamburger as in the explosion of a hydrogen bomb? This must certainly be what happens. My Tauros give me strength to summon the hamburger, strands of their own muscle. These are the only powers that I can currently call to mind, for my memory is sometimes faulty, but I know that there are a vast many more that I possess. Oh yes, I am nearly immortal.
It was only in the 27th century AD when I left home that first time so long ago. It is now the 93,628 millennia, or so I suppose, but my track of time has been thrown off by the wormhole I was sucked through. Throughout the nearly one hundred million years after I freed the Tauros, I have been silently constructing a gargantuan army near the core of the galaxy. It hasn't been easy. After the founding of the ISPA (Intergalactic Special Forces Agency) I have had to hide my operations with the utmost secrecy. I have cloaked entire star systems, and deleted the information about the existence of those planets from every computer in the whole supercluster. Still, I would have been protected if it were not for the feebleness of the ISPA's technology.
They have no method of spacetime transcendence travel. Even after millions of years, they have not yet attained the ability to form wormholes. Such is the feebleness of their minds. It takes housands of years travelling at the speed of light to reach the core of my domain, and therefore practical eons for a fleet of galactic cruisers to reach my most important planets. I have taken genious measures to make sure that the whole core of the Milky Way galaxy (and I intend to change that name as soon as I take it over) has been proclaimed unfit to travel. I've littered light years of empty space with diamond-hard meteorites and set them hurtling at terrific speeds. None of the ISPA's detectives can understand where these asteroids come from. They assume that the came from another dimension, and they did come through a wormhole, so they are not totally wrong. But theyt have never dared to imagine that the fabled Lactos the Intolerant, for I am famous as an evvil power-hungry villain who has not been seen in eons, is still alive and in control of a deadly operation.
So I pulled woolover their eyes. My operations continued largely unimpeded. I have had to cause several planets to self-destruct to escape discovery, but on the whole, I have done splendidly. And how? How have I escaped the power of the universe's most powerful justice agency? Simply, for I have mastered the formation of the wormhole.
I gathered my forces for what seemed an eternity, and finally struck. And what a splendid victory it was! I could not send my whole fleet of battle cruisers to accomplish the mission - the wormhole necessary to do so would have been so massive that the ISPA would certainly notice it immediately and guess my schemes. That I cannot risk. They must not know that I have the power of the wormhole, or they will find out how to form them for theirselves and I will be ruined. Anyway, I took the star system with almost no resistance encountered. Whatever I did meet, I simply destroyed with my beef ships. The moral of my army was such as it hadn't been for millennia, and so I must confess, I became hasty. I did not take all the necessary steps to insure my next victory. This was the most drastic mistake of my career.
All chances seemed to have gone against me. I tried to strike Cheddar's (blech) home world. Half of my beef fleet was used to attempt to conquer the planet. Half of my beef ships were destroyed. I do not understand how this happened! It seems... it seems... impossible!!! But I was defeated! GRRR!!! Cheddar!!! I curse that name! I curse his Probability Modifier, and I curse the fact that I do not understand its workings!
But I will leave you with that for now. Next time, I will tell of my humiliating defeat by that – I’m not going to get started with the necessary derogative adjectives – Cheddar (blech), who Cheddar is (other than a fool and a – ups, almost started), and the tale of the beginnings of the subsequent Cheeze Wars.
Can't wait for the sequel!! "Cheddar: The Cheeze Wars"
Gramps